Monday, May 14, 2007

The person I don't want to be.

I started this blog post last night but I didn't get a chance to finish it and when I sat down to edit it and complete it this afternoon, I looked at the one sentence that I'd written and I pressed the delete button very firmly. I wished for that line that I'd written to actually have been true but the more I think about it the more uncertain I become.

I hate the person I've become, the person that is ignoring everything around her because it hurts to simply think about it any more. This person, that is not me, is knowingly hurting someone that they care about but has come to the conclusion that whilst she cares for this person, she can not now, and probably could never utter those fateful three words to this person and actually mean them. This person thought that they could block out previous love ties and has been trying so hard to get her head to override her heart but it isn't working. This person, is some stranger that is allowing this hurt to be inflicted when she never would have done before.

Somehow I've become separated from everything that used to be me, and whilst I may appear as if I'm functioning normally, what goes on in my mind would scare even the most brave person. When you realise that you are operating as two different people, one to the outside world, and one in your mind, it becomes apparent that there are just parts of you that you just can't let people know about. I used to be scared of being myself and perhaps I still am, perhaps that's why I'm letting this pain that I'm inflicting carry on.

I thought that my biggest fear in the world was failing, but I'm wrong. I'm most afraid of those three words that spin the world on its axis. I fear them, because I don't know whether I will ever be able to return them to anyone. My insides turn to jelly when I hear them, but not in a good way, they turn to jelly because I fear someone asking me to reciprocate them.

When you know that you have loved someone but that they never felt the same way, does that somehow make you incapable of loving another? You see, I wish I had the answers to all the questions that cascade through my mind but I don't, and that's the worst part of all. I need to banish this horrible person that is currently residing inside me and resolve everything regardless of the pain it will cause because otherwise I am only going to cause more pain, both for myself and the other party involved.

Monday, May 07, 2007


I haven't blogged in awhile, and I'd like to say that that was because I've been so busy with revision but I can't possibly say that as it would be a blatant lie. So, instead I shall offer no excuses! I think that the most peculiar series of events have created some really good luck for me over the past week, although certain things that I would like to have happened, haven't, and so life isn't quite as great as it could be, but oh well, I'll settle for ok at the moment. Afterall, if every thing's great then what have I got to hope for?!

  • Strike of luck one: My Dad and step mum are going away to Crete on Tuesday (but are staying at hotel in Gatwick the night before so I have a grand total of 8 nights without them here!). This means of course that I am exercising my God given birth right, to have a party in their absence! It is though, all above board because my Dad knows about it, so I haven't got to fear him accidentally finding out by me dropping myself in it.

  • This was strike of luck two. Today, (as in Sunday, I haven't slept yet so for me it's all the same day!) I worked for 3 1/2 hours, which is the first time in over two weeks. I got my tips- all £36.40 of it! I was chuffed because all though it doesn't sound a lot, at the moment the money is very much in need!
  • Luck strike three. Well, I deem it to be luck anyway. Because, I'm looking after the animals and the house while my Dad is away, I've managed to convince Kim into getting my Dad to agree to give me the money to buy Jodi Picoult's new book which I will be getting in Waterstone's tomorrow! (I keep wanting to call it Ottakars- Damn takeover bids, they ruin evenything!)

  • The only bad thing today that happened actually made me inadvertently acknowledge another strike of good luck. I had cleared a table at work and stacked five plates and four soup bowls on top of one another which created a multi-storey tower block, which I was intending to carry out to the kitchen. Well, intended is the operative word here! I didn't realise that one plate was ever so slightly smaller and, yes you guessed it, the whole fucking lot went down. I did however, become aware that it was slipping in time for me to be able to move quickly to an empty table before it crashed. And as luck would have it, NOT ONE SINGLE BLOODY PLATE OR BOWL BROKE! They simply bounced, and my boss who just so happened to be standing behind me, simply helped me pick them all up and didn't even tell me off!
Tomorrow (as in after I wake up in about 7 hours time!), I am going to town with Tom to go to Waterstone's in Bury where Jodi Picoult is signing books! I couldn't believe it when Hannah told me about it back in March sort of time, and it seemed such a long time away but now here it is. It's weird to think that an author that has gained such a high readership all over the world, will actually be stopping off in the small and insignificant town of Bury St. Edmunds that is my home town. I'm actually really excited, and I knew that as soon as Hannah told me about the promotional book signing that I would indeed be going. As luck would have it, it's a bank holiday but needless to say, because you can guess, I would have gone regardless missing English Lit/ Business/ whatever it took to be able to go!

I'm rather excited also about the fact that I have the whole house to myself for the whole week and so can have my mates up whenever I like! This means that as usual I am intending to meet up with Tom, Lindz and Sarah which'll be good, as we haven't ALL meet up in over a week now which by our recent standards is quite a long time. Perhaps I might buy some cake to celebrate being able to have the house to myself!

It is quite possible that I wouldn't blog again for a considerable length of time as I am intending to try and get as much revision done as humanly possible as I REALLY DO want to pass my A levels this year. I think I'd be stupid to try and rely on this good luck that's been gracing me over the past few days don't you?!

Friday, April 27, 2007


Today marks the fact that now there are only 28 days left until the end of sixth form. That means in other words there are only 20 actual school days or 120 lessons. I thought that in theory I should be absolutely shitting myself with worry about the impending exams and my rather lax attitude towards my A levels this year, but I'm not. How can it be that although I am completely dependent on the grades that result in the exams that I shall take this summer, I am not in the slightest bit worried at this moment in time?

I have only read Byron once, I have read hardly any poems in preparation for the synoptic unit and even then I can't remember the poets, I know next to nothing about the editorial unit for language and even less about the change in grammar usage over time, I can't remember what Roger Brown's meaning relations are, I am unlikely to remember the writing frame for unit 5's business exam, corporate strategy is pretty damn evasive if you ask me and to complete the whole circuit I have virtually no recollections of what unit 4's exam entails...

I'm not scared though. At the end of the day, if it happens then it happens. If it doesn't and I fail miserably then at least I will know that it was all my own fault for not taking the time I should have done back at the beginning. If it doesn't work out then I'll simply have to try again. Is this the tone of pessimism, I hear you ask? No, it is merely acceptance of whatever the future holds for me.

Thursday, April 26, 2007


Monopoly? This word had, until a few days ago, come to be just a word that I would use to describe a market where one main company had over 25% of the market share (which is illegal and attracts unwanted attention from the Competition committee). So, you may ask why I have decided to entitle my post with this word. Well, first let me assure you that this has absolutely nothing to do with Business studies! The appearance of the monopoly game board in the library, amongst other games, has come to replace the 'general waste of time loads of noise and lack of work' culture that has recently become inherent in study periods.

So, instead we are left with a gaming culture of 'Don't cheat, Nicola!'. I never did play proper monopoly when I was a child, and so I have refrained from taking part in these pointless competitive gaming sessions, but they make me laugh. Board games have always held little appeal for me it has to be said, but I guess that's because when they were probably a big part of family life in other people's childhood, I was too busy having to grow up. Now, I mean this with absolutely no disdain upon other people, but just that I regret not having that simple family time. I never did have 'my' game piece in monopoly, nor did I ever always pick a character in Cluedo.

I find it surprisingly calming to watch my fellow sixth formers playing board games during study, because it means that despite the fact that there are only four weeks left until we leave, these people know that there is no point working all the time because they will burn out. For this reason I am planning to complete my revision questions for Business this evening and then probably write some more of my book. I haven't written for ages it has to be said, and to be completely honest I haven't done a lot of revision or homework over the past few days either.

I was going to write this post yesterday, after the crappy business trip I went on but the nasty headache that developed made me shy away from facing my laptop. It actually practically forced me to bed at 4:30 in the afternoon, and I slept for about two hours. Upon waking though my head settled down to a bearable pain, which unfortunately is still with me now. Yes, about the business trip...Pointless. That pretty much sums it up. Of all the exotic locations in the world, for our business trip we took the long haul jaunt to...Stanton. Yes you did read right. We went to DHL exel supply chain. There followed an hour an a half of boredom. We had a presentation delivered by the head of HR about the origins of the business (different segments and who founded it) and a typical country bloke who spoke about his experiences in the business as it had changed (acquisitions and different cultures etc). This mind-numbingly boring experience was then followed by an impromptu question and answer session, although by this point most of us had fallen asleep and were "longing" for the tour. As it turned out, the highlights of the tour were wearing high-vis jackets and walking across the grounds in a path marked out by yellow lines and footprints.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful about the business trip because after all I know that it takes a lot of organising on the teacher's part and it was good of the business to let us go there but come on. DHL were only allowing us there because it is part of the 'corporate responsible' persona that they wish to promote, I mean they might as well have screamed it at us bearing in mind they were taking photos of us whilst we were being shown what they 'do' on site! Unsurprisingly, with a cracking headache I was not suitably enthralled by the process of gluing glass panels into a door, nor was I particularly impressed with traveling up countless flights of steps just to walk through a corridor/open plan room and then walk back down!

Tuesday, April 24, 2007


After I had been writing a whole load of bollocks about grammar change and all that sort of shit, in English Language this afternoon, I kind of gave up. I looked at the sheet and wondered what the hell I was doing writing about something that I really didn't know a great deal about. It sort of struck me that whilst I had a very limited amount of knowledge and understanding of what was being said, someone else in another 200 years might also sit in a classroom and grimace at the crappy word order and inflections etc.

From there, my mind leapfrogged. Flying off into a thousand different directions, I will admit I had an extremely hard job keeping up with my brain. It was like one of those moments when you sit in a proper exam and your mind somehow links all sorts of random shit together and then you find yourself thinking about something all together different from what you started with. I've often found that this bizarre form of daydreaming has a detrimental effect upon my attention and ultimately upon the grades that I eventually achieve at the end of courses, yet today it was the kind of mild relief that I needed.

I've never been the kind of person that can just get on with work the moment its set. In classes, I have a tendency to start before the task in explained, which I know is a conscious decision I made a long time ago because I don't like to start at exactly the same time as everyone else. Starting before others, means that I can also in theory finish before the majority too, and that is the time I like most. I find that this is when I can consciously let my mind wander. Sometimes the lyrics of long forgotten songs will come back to me during this time, or an unsubstantial quote from a book will float around my head. These things taunt me, and I have to then root through the deepest recesses of my brain until I can locate the sources. Hence the leapfrogging from one topic to another.

It is so easier then to be transported back to memories that you thought that you'd forgotten, and for this reason among others, I believe that as people we simply do not forget things in life. Ok, you might not initially be able to bring a particular memory to the surface, but that doesn't mean its not there. To my mind the brain is one large storage box, and you simply have to access the right file to find what you are looking for, a bit like a computer I suppose. My mind wandering tendencies are for me like the search facility on windows, enter in a couple of words and all sorts of things re-emerge.

My thought process this afternoon...
  • What the fuck is that " 'est" ending doing on the end of that word? I hate English Language- why did I ever bother taking it?
  • I used to enjoy English, but then that was during main school. I hated the English lessons at middle school.
  • Year seven Romeo and Juliet with Mr Corbett.
  • Drama on a Friday morning. Play-acting a fight against Georgia where I accidentally slapped her hard on the cheek during a performance!
  • Why did Fridays operate differently at middle school?
  • We went to six lessons that day due to not having form period! That's why the lessons were shorter.
  • That's why we had drama at that time and why I liked the fact that P.E in year 8 was lesson four Friday
  • With Miss Grandjean. Netball: "Put the bibs on upside down please." "Upside down? Are you sure miss?!"
  • France trip- "I couldn't find any rubber sheets, will this do?" Miss Grandjean passing us a wad of toilet paper. Us falling into utter hysterics.
  • I wander what ever happened to Rachel Pryer? "Have I got something around my mosh?"
  • Why didn't Lindz bother to stay in contact with her?
  • I suppose it's like me not talking to Nats anymore.
  • It's going to happen again isn't it? Moving on to other places, other friends and no time for what we once were.
  • Uni. Why do I really wanna go to Essex...?
  • Things will change though because I have changed and am going to change.
  • What if Sarah's right about me coming back?
  • Then again she's already changed...what if that happens to me so that they no longer recognise ME?
At this point my mental ramblings were abruptly ended by Shem asking whether we'd finished for the lesson and at Bailey's reply of "Yes", I decided that it was time to rejoin the civilised world and abandon my trek down memory lane and the 'what if...?' track.

Monday, April 23, 2007

Just 31 days to go

Crunch time. Bite the bullet. Etch the words into your brain. Abandon your social life. Refuel with caffeine. Cramp your hand from writing. Snatch minutes of sleep.

Work until you spontaneously combust.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Since when do you have the right to tell me what I can say?

Tonight was shit. See, it's just so easy to sum up what happened in those few words, and yet it's so hard to make myself explain anymore than that because I don't, for some reason, want to write about the details of my private life for once. Normally, I don't give a fuck about what I say but usually I suppose things don't move me to tears.

Stress builds up slowly and things had crept up on me without me really noticing. Little things that once run together create one HUGE problem. I had an argument with my dad just because I told my mum the truth about something. How stupid is that? Since when has my dad actually had the right to try and censor what I tell anyone, let alone my own mother?! Sensing that the mood was only going to deteriorate and in turn create a blazing row, I went upstairs got changed, picked up my ipod, keys and phone and went for a walk. At this point I didn't actually realise just how upset the row had made me.

I made the fatal mistake of phoning Tom. Upon hearing his voice I found tears welling up and one huge great big lump rising to my throat. It didn't matter how hard I tried to quell the tears, there was no deterring the torrents of tears that decided to fall and smudge my makeup. Tom, bless him, met up with me and sat talking through everything with me, and I can't actually convey in words the enormity of this gesture. (Thanks Tom!)

It really is remarkable when you know that you have friends that you can count on to call up at a moments notice, and know that they will literally drop what they are doing just to be there for you. I think that made me cry too. Hearing his voice on the other end of the phone just unlocked all the pent-up emotions that I'd tried to ignore.

I could go on for pages about everything that is wrong but suffice to say it is not exactly stuff that I want to go around broadcasting, so I shall end with a thought for you:

"When you need someone, who can you truly count on to be there for you?"